Here. We. Go.
Updates throughout the night.
5:05 — Goodell gets a warm welcome. Wow.
5:06 — Cam Newton to Carolina.
5:13 — Von Miller goes to Denver. Nice pick, but let’s see how he converts to the Broncos’ scheme.
5:20 — THIS JUST IN: The Bills figured out how to draft! DT Marcel Dareus goes to them.
5:21 — If Cincy takes anyone besides Blaine Gabbert, look for season ticket holders to set lots of things on fire.
5:25 — So will AJ Green be catching passes from….Jordan Palmer? Oh boy.
5:26 — First NFC West pick ahead: AZ. This is one pick I hope gets miserably botched, but they have their choice of Gabbert, Peterson and basically whoever the hell else they want. (Need.)
5:30 — Patrick Peterson to AZ. No real surprise, and Whiz would’ve had to really work to ef that one up.
5:33 — TRADE: Browns gave up the sixth overall pick to the Falcons, who are now on the clock. Julio Jones is likely, because ATL tried to grab AJ Green a little earlier.
5:34 — Julio on the phone now. Him with Roddy White could be very, very nasty. Plus that guy Turner and some other dude named Ryan. CRAP, we’re playing the Falcons again.
5:38 — Let’s see if the Niners take Gabbert now. On the plus side, I’m really happy we’re not an NFC West team not picking in the top six this year.
5:42 — Oh wow. They took the “other” Missouri player, DE Aldon Smith. Something tells me he’ll be the better guy named “Smith” on that team.
5:45 — Jake Locker goes to the Titans at #8. Sadface. Not like he’s that much different than Vince Young though, minus the suicidal tendencies. (Too soon?)
5:52 — Gabbert looks much more relaxed and not pouting like Clausen was last year at this time. He also doesn’t look like a porcupine on crack. (Seriously, Google image search “porcupine on crack” and see what you get as the first hit.)
5:55 — Cowboys get OT Tyron Smith from USC. Jerry Jones just bought a 6’5″ life insurance policy for Tony Romo.
5:57 — Blaine Gabbert here for the Skins? Can we say “duh?”
6:00 — Oooooookay, Shanahan….not digging the Gabbert train, eh? JAX gets WA’s pick and looks to be going with Gabbert.
6:08 — JJ Watt to Houston? Certainly looks that way. He’ll help their secondary not finish 423rd in yards allowed this year.
6:09 — Watt reminds me of Patrick Kerney. That could be a very scary thing for Peyton Manning in another couple of years.
6:12 — This puts Minnesota in a bit of a tailspin, since they need a QB worse than David Stern needs a psych evaluation.
6:17 — And look at that: Christian Ponder goes higher than expected, to the Vikes.
6:18 — “Oh god, they let John Gruden on television and let him talk about quarterbacks. Hell is real and its name is ESPN.” – Your editor, Matthew Heuett
6:22 — The Lions get bold and take Nick Fairley. Even though Matt Stafford might still be running like hell for four quarters, Detroit’s defensive line is now composed of very huge men who will brutally murder anything in sight.
6:26 — I call dibs on Detroit’s D in fantasy this year.
6:27 — Our rival Rams get a big boost on the D-line with Robert Quinn, a nasty pass-rusher to complement Chris Long. Some normally bad defenses are getting suddenly not bad.
6:32 — Cameras are showing Mark Ingram as the Dolphins get ready to pick. Pretty obvious if it happens.
6:35 — Pick is in, and it’s….Mike Pouncey. There goes another one off our board.
6:36 — Washington has to be eyeing Andy Dalton at this point. Or, depending on how many drugs Mike Shanahan is on right now, someone we’ve never heard of.
6:42 — The Skins are opting for DE/LB Ryan Kerrigan. No relation to Nancy, I assume.
6:49 — Surprisingly, Pats go OT with their first pick….Nate Solder. Probably means the end of Logan Mankins or Matt Light in New England.
6:54 — Even more surprisingly, the Chargers do NOT draft an entire special teams unit with this pick. But, Corey Liuget is huge enough for two or three guys by himself.
7:03 — Giants nail it with Prince Amukamara, and the crowd goes bonkers. Rightfully so. (One more off our board. Gah!)
7:06 — “Six picks to go, and five of the seven names on Daniel Luu’s list are still in play.” – Matthew Heuett. Interesting, no?
7:10 — I just realized we’re picking after the Colts. #surreal
7:11 — Tampa Bay goes with Adrian Clayborn, “the Troy Polamalu of the defensive line.” Somewhere, Gerald McCoy is doing the happy dance.
7:13 — “Marshawn Lynch ran so hard, he knocked Indianapolis a few picks ahead of us.” -MH
7:17 — The Browns use some of their newfound ammo and trade with KC for the 21st pick. Who ya goin’ for, Walrus?
7:19 — I don’t know much about Phil Taylor, but looks like Holmy just nabbed a Shaun Rogers replacement
7:21 — Funny how the first player to openly thank Jesus wasn’t even someone getting drafted.
7:25 — With three picks to go, I think we’ve got our board narrowed down to Wilkerson, Dalton or J,. Smith.
7:26 — Colts get some Peyton Manning insurance with OT Anthony Castonzo, the most Italian name in football
7:34 — Patriotism is nice, but it still can’t do enough to unite Eagles fans and Giants fans.
7:40 — New Orleans could snag Ingram here, which would be somewhat heartbreaking at this point. ONE MORE PICK TO GO.
7:42 — THE HAWKS ARE ON THE CLOCK. All three of my predictions are still up for grabs, plus Mark Ingram. Nice.
7:47 — Trying to trade back. Excitement!
7:50 — Looks like Dalton. We’ll see.
7:51 — Um….James who?
7:54 — James Carpenter, an offensive guard from Alabama, is your newest Seahawk. Definitely a position of need, and coupled with the fact that he was with Alabama means I can’t really complain though.
8:00 — The Ravens are….passing? Are they just giving up their pick? I am just as confused as Chris Berman is right now.
8:03 — Did Jimmy Smith not pay his phone bill? I can picture the Ravens’ calls going straight to voicemail.
8:07 — Ok, Smith goes to the Ravens after all. No trade partners so it was a last-minute pick.
8:09 — And now the Saints trade picks with New England — looks like Ingram gets snagged by NOLA. Cool.
8:15 — Da Bears already know who they want?
8:20 — Gabe Carimi. Great pick for Chicago — after watching film, I’m almost envious.
8:25 — NYJ gets their guy in Muhammed Wilkerson, who is a gigantic human being and should be perfect in Rex Ryan’s defense.
8:27 — Stealers (yes, Stealers) get Cameron Heyward, DE. Another awesome defensive pllayer off the board.
8:29 — That was a fast three and a half hours — SB champion Packers are up next with the final pick of the first round.
8:37 — Final pick: Derek Sherrod, OT. A bookend for Bryan Bulaga, and Aaron Rodgers is writing Ted Thompson a thank-you letter.
With that, I’m hopping off the computer and letting you animals have at the discussion, because there’s plenty of it to be had. Look for more coverage on Round 2 and 3 tomorrow, just as soon as, we, um, get away from our day jobs. (Crap.)