My Wish List for the Upcoming Offseason

Louis Bacigalupi posts comments on the site as LouieLouie.  He’s an accountant by trade and worked in a USFL front office.  He can be reached by email at

Alright Seahawk Addicts, now that the 2011 football season is officially in the books, here is my wishlist for the upcoming season

1) I wish that Andrew Luck will become embroiled in a sex scandal involving Hillary Clinton and former Idaho senator Larry Craig.  Because of blowback from this incident, Luck’s draft stock plummets and he falls to the Seahawks at pick 12, where Pete Carroll drafts him.

Now I will admit that seems a little far-fetched.  You’re probably thinking “come on, don’t be silly — Hillary Clinton?”  I empathize, but our research is conclusive: this scenario is the most likely way for Andrew Luck to fall far enough in the draft for the Seahawks to have a shot at him.

2) Next, I wish that after the draft the Seahawks will sign Hoot Clampett, an undrafted free agent out of Division 4F school Tennessee Hillbilly State College of Tractor Driving.  In training camp, Clampett beats out Luck to become Seattle’s starting QB, then goes on to set NFL records for touchdown passes and Super Bowl wins during his long career with the Seahawks.  Upon his retirement, the NFL suspends the five year waiting period so that Clampett can be inducted immediately into the Hall of Fame.

The year after he’s beaten out for the starting QB position by Clampett, the Seahawks trade Luck to the Colts for two first-round draft picks.  The Colts are willing to make this trade because the first overall pick of the 2012 draft, Robert Griffin III, was run over by a tractor.

Again, this may seem a little far-fetched, but you can’t argue with our research, which concluded that the Hoot Clampett scenario, RG3 and all, is more likely to happen than the Seahawks finding a franchise quarterback in the upcoming draft.

3) My next wish is that, while watching late night TV, Lofa Tatupu stumbles across a miracle cure for all of his joint ailments.  After hearing that if he buys right away they will double the offer, he calls the 800 number and springs for rush delivery for the magic potion.  When it arrives, he immediately rubs it on all of his ailing joints and instantly returns to his 2006 All-Pro form.  He then signs a four year deal with the Hawks and anchors the defense until his retirement.  But even if Tatupu doesn’t re-sign with Seattle, I’d still root for him anyway except when he plays against the Seahawks (or if he were to sign with the Pittsburgh Steelers).

4) I wish that Pete Carroll will get into the Guinness Book of World Records for the most lattes consumed in a 24-hour period.  In an interview after setting the record, Carroll says “the lattes make me feel mellow.  The next night, I slept like a baby.”

5) Next up, I wish that Aaron Curry will feel so guilty about being a bust that he gives some of his first-round money back to Paul Allen, which Allen uses to pay off Carroll’s latte bill.  Being the shrewd businessman that he is, Allen then opens a Starbucks franchise across the street from Pete’s house.

Some may argue that my last two wishes are unrelated to the Seahawks’ success, but anybody who would jump to that conclusion is missing the point (of this entire article).  Of course they would help, just imagine the boost in team morale if Pete Carroll was even more fired up than he already is.  Who can’t envision his hyper-caffeinated shouts of “I’m in” revergerating across Lake Washington and echoing throughout the entire Seattle metropolitan area?  He could motivate the entire state — a jolt like this might even spark a recovery for Seattle’s housing industry! (Then again, even Carroll probably couldn’t fix that one.)

6) Finally, I wish that Tim Ruskell will come back to work for the Seahawks.  Finally realizing where his true talent lies in pro football, he spends the rest of his career sweeping the locker room floors and washing the team’s laundry.  (Just kidding, Tim.  Nobody really wants you to come back to the Seahawks.)

Well, there it is, my wish list for the Seahawks.  I would like to hear other people’s wishes along these same lines, so feel free to comment.